Married Dad (With ADD) in the Basement Laughing

One of the reasons my first wife left me, as stated by her, was that she didn’t want to be married to a 12 year old boy.  She also didn’t want to live in the movie “Groundhog Day”, repeating the same day over and over again.  I guess she didn’t think it was a very good day.

My current wife, Ellen, thought this was ridiculous when she first met me.  Now she knows better.  Although we have decided that I am more accurately a 14 year old boy.  Hey, maybe I matured a couple of years between marriages, who knows.

I think 14 is about right.  I have an 18 year old son who thinks its funny, and odd, that he seems more mature than I do.  He remembers when he was a little kid, thinking that he had such an awesome Dad who would take the time to play and be goofy with him.  But now he knows, or rather he thinks he knows, the truth.  That I was simply doing what I wanted to do, what came naturally to me.

I don’t actually think that I’m a 14 year old boy.  I know that I have more maturity.  After all, I am a parent to two boys who are at very different life stages (the younger just turned 4), and I take that role seriously.  Seriously in terms of the things that I think are most important.  Like showing love, affection, and acceptance.

Ellen, while she appreciates this, is more focused on other parenting roles that she thinks I should have.  Such as being strict with routines, bed times, teeth brushing, and time limits for the TV.  Whatever.  What did she expect when I told her that my favourite movie is “Stepbrothers”?  Seriously, it is my absolute favourite movie of all time !!!

Ellen by her own admission is a very serious person, with serious tastes, and has a very different sense of humor to my own (I’m being generous there when I give her the credit of having a sense of humor).

She did say to me, when we were first dating, that she appreciated how I could remind her not to take life so seriously.  It looks like she’s gone back on that appreciation now.

And so on, and so forth, and yadda yadda yadda.  And now I live in the basement.

I was thinking of the name of that famous blog “Single Dad Laughing”.  Such a simple name and yet it resonates with so many people.  Maybe I should call my blog “Married Dad (with ADD) in the Basement Laughing”.

Not as catchy, but true.

Meditation-Phobia

I don’t have fond memories of meditation.

I once dated a yoga instructor who took me to a weekend yoga retreat.  What word comes to your mind when you think of a yoga retreat?  Relaxation?  Yeah, that’s what I thought too.  But now the word that comes to my mind is … PAIN!

Yoga poses sit on me like a knapsack full of jagged rocks.  I’m sure there is a different way to reorganize those rocks, but my body can’t seem to find it.

My introduction to meditation during this weekend “retreat” was an hour long kneeling pose done in silence.  Maybe they had some ocean waves audio going on, I’m not sure.  But the pain of kneeling in complete stillness for an hour will never entire leave my body and mind.  (I’m sure I could have changed positions, but I’m a guy so I toughed it out.  What can I say?)

There were also the cleansing sessions which culminated in forced vomiting and diarrhea (the latter being assigned as homework), but that’s for another blog.

So when my new ADHD psychotherapist Jennifer (did I mention that I have a huge crush on her?) let me know in our first appointment that as part of our work she will be teaching me to meditate …well … I had to smile and say YES! (because I have a huge crush on her).

We did a 10 minute session together, her talking me through it (her voice sounded just like those gentle crashing waves), while I sat on a comfortable couch and mentally followed her instructions.  Hey, I have to say, this meditation was WAY better than that other time.  And Holy time-traveling Easter Bunny, Batman, it actually worked!  I was gone and came back.  When I opened my eyes it was like WOW, we’re back here again!

My homework is to download a free app called CALM and meditate on my own.  Now I must say, I am not feeling as successful while meditating on my own.  I scratch my head, crack my knuckles, wander my mind to the most random places, and I grunt, groan, and giggle.  All having nothing to do with the instructions of the sweet woman’s voice on the app (which also eerily sounds like gentle crashing waves).  But at least I’m doing it.

I have ADD.  Actually doing it while not being completely enthralled by it is a victory for mindful meditation everywhere.

It’s a “Separation”, Not a Separation

Here’s how the slippery slope of my separation happened.  Its actually a “separation”, not a separation.  More on that in a second.

Stage 1:  For the last year or so our 3 year old son Isaac comes into our bed half way through the night.  The bed becomes too crowded and so I go and finish the night in his bed.

Stage 2:  Since January my wife Ellen starts going to bed at the same time as Isaac, and it just makes it easier for them to go to bed together.  I start and finish the night in his bed.

Stage 3:  Ellen takes Isaac back to her home town for a couple of weeks without me, with the expressed purpose of getting away from me.

Stage 4:   When they returned, 2 weeks ago, it was decided that Isaac really should be given the option of sleeping in his own bed, so I had to find another place to sleep.  The basement.

Ok, so all this doesn’t sound too good for our marriage.  I agree.   And also, you might be wondering why Ellen does not want to sleep with me (including have sex with me).

My ADD gives me extreme highs and lows.  I want a real relationship, a passionate relationship.  My relationship means everything to me.  Ellen is content with a steady, boring relationship where we have sex once a week, and if there is any creativity involved in the sex it would have to come from me because she has no interest in that.

So I’ve had a few episodes of anger/depression which last a few days because I just don’t know what to do.  This scares Ellen, and she can’t stand the tension I exude, and so she wants a reprieve from that, at least in the bedroom.

We are “separated”, not separated, because Ellen says she fully intends to regroup herself and start our relationship up again when she has recovered.

I’m actually doing a lot better in the sense that I do not experience extreme lows while I have no expectation around sex in our relationship.  But I am not happy.  And I can’t see myself opening up again in an attempt to get back to our old life, which I wasn’t happy with in the first place.

Ugh.  Happy Easter everyone.

 

 

Mr. Canada

Man I’m tired.  But I’ve got a lot of blogging ideas running through my head, and I don’t want to write about more than one topic per day, so I’m going to write you a blog today.

But first, I’ll list some ideas here so that I can refer to them later:

  • My forced sexual abstinence
  • Jim the Gym teacher
  • Mr. Canada

Damn, I’m sure I had more.  Anyways …


 

Mr. Canada

So I went to an ADHD support group today.  It did not leave the greatest impression on me.

The speaker was an advocate for an ADHD organization of some type.  Its hard for me to say exactly what because I couldn’t pay attention.  You see, she gave a sit-down lecture without any visuals, just reading from her notes.  The room was packed and I was in the back, so I couldn’t see her.  All I could do was listen to a voice which was no competition for the voices inside of my own head.  That really should not have come as a surprise to her.

The audience seemed a little nerdy/scraggly/plain.  It reminded me of a theoretical physics audience.  I should know – I used to be a physicist in one of my former lives.  Most of the audience seemed like this, except for one individual – Mr. Canada.

Just as I was dozing off towards the end a man stood up on a chair and started rapping from his soap box.  He spoke in rhymes, explaining that it was best for an ADHD audience in terms of paying attention, also done in rhyme.  His lyrics spoke of his business, a school for aspiring rap artists, or hiphop, or some kind of musical/dance thingy.  All while standing up on a chair and making large gestures out towards his audience.  This was straight out of a movie scene.  It was AWESOME!

He spoke of being a former Mr. Canada bodybuilder.  He wasn’t that big, but his bulging veins did give away that telltale sign of years spent in the gym.  I should know – I used to be an amateur bodybuilder in one of my former lives.  He even did a pose for us.  SHABAAAAM!!!

Crush

I thought for sure that I would be writing this blog every day.  Especially during the first week!  Well, apparently not.  And not for lack of material.  But perhaps I’ve just had too much going on.  I’ve actually got too much to write about now.  Its not going to all come out now, but I’m thinking on those quieter days, in the future, little bits and pieces will poke themselves out of this keyboard and say “Hi.  Remember me?  I happened.”

Yesterday I say a new psychotherapist.  She specializes in ADHD and seems very knowledgeable, both from an academic perspective and from personal experience.  Of course, it’s the personal experience that I’m most interested in.  Being the amateur armchair psychologist that I am (ok, I just like to get to know what makes people tick), I’m trying to figure her out as much as she’s trying to figure me out.  She has the upper hand as I’m the one doing all of the talking about myself.

Jennifer seems like a great person.  She’s knowledgeable, yes, but also enthusiastic and interested and current.  She’s sensitive, curious, and I believe passionate.  Wow, I’ve got a crush on her.

Its in my nature to take a tiny morsel of the real world and extrapolate it into an entire fantasy novel in my head.  I’m sure Jessica knows this, since she seems to know so much about me already, just having an intimate knowledge of ADD.

I tried not to make intense eye contact, nor look away too much.  Its been an issue of mine for as long as I remember.  The eye contact thing.  Not too much, not too little, but just right.  Everyone seems to do this so naturally, and yet I have to think about it every time.  Sometimes I try looking into a person’s eyes slightly unfocused, but I’m not sure what that looks like for the other person.  Like I’m not engaged?  I dunno …

Its especially difficult when all I want to do is look directly into their eyes, Jennifer’s eyes.  Did I mention that she’s beautiful?  How does one person get to be all that.  Damn I forgot to look for  a wedding ring.  She would probably wear one anyway, whether she’s married or not.

Did I mention that I have been banished to the basement as part of a document called “Separation Document” that Ellen sent to me a couple of days ago?  (I believe that gives me the right to fantasize at least).

Did I mention that I have a crush on my new psychotherapist, Jennifer?  I’m going to continue to see her because she was really good and gave me new things to think about, and is introducing me to meditation in order to help me manage my crazy emotions.  But I’m especially going to continue to see her because I have a crush on her.  Is that wrong?

What Are You Thinking About ?

I get that a lot.  Even still from Ellen who I’ve been married to for close to 7 years.  I can understand the question.  After all, it does look like I’m “thinking” to the untrained eye.  Except for that whimsical smile …

Daydreaming and thinking are two different things.  What I do is called daydreaming.  So what do I daydream about?

Made-up conversations and scenarios that start from a glimmer of reality, then veer off in an unexpected direction.  They usually end in some sort of funny or amusing coincidence involving different people that I know.  Its like I’m watching a movie, except I’m the star.

Or I’m scoring amazing soccer goals, “breaking ankles” along the way.  I’m not that good of a soccer player you see, so that’s why it’s a daydream and not realistic.  And yet, I still think it is realistic.  If only I can remember how I did that in my daydream then do it in real life …. And yet it never happens.  But it will happen next time, I’m pretty sure.

Its soccer now because I’ve only been playing for a couple of years.  Before that it was martial arts that I daydreamed about, and that I did in real life.  Until I got bored of it and stopped.  Suddenly.

Coming Home

This is a bad time to start a blog.  My wife Ellen is coming home in a couple of hours after being away for two weeks.  She needed a break from me.

I had two weeks to myself.  All by myself.  I could have started this blog two weeks ago.  But instead, I alternated watching Netflix and masturbating all day long.  And now, how exactly did Greenday put it … “When masturbation has lost its fun …”

I’m actually quite nervous about her coming back home.  We’re not doing too well.  I don’t know where I’ll be sleeping tonight.  Maybe downstairs in the basement, which we agreed upon when she left.  Maybe in my son Isaac’s room upstairs since he no longer sleeps in his own bed, but sleeps with his mom.  The least likely place would be in my actual bed, with my actual wife.

Welcome to my world.

On the other hand, I am SUPER EXCITED about starting this blog.  Maybe it’s a subconscious distraction for me in the days, weeks, and months ahead.  Because I will no longer be watching that show “This Is Us” with Ellen.

I just don’t want to cry that much when I don’t have to.  Ya know what I mean?